How NOT to Look Like A Douche! | A Guy’s Guide to What A Profile Shot Says

“A picture is worth a thousand words”  It’s true!

I was talking to a girlfriend recently about this topic and amid fits of laughter from her and I over my over the top (NO WAY!?) comments we decided to peruse a popular free dating website as “guests”.   We searched for males 27-34 within 100 miles of our zip codes.  What we then proceeded to observe lead to bust a gut laughter, “OHHH” and “YIKES” and “Really?  Did he HAVE to post THAT picture?” to the common “Yeah…wouldn’t even think about contacting that one!”  or “Yeah….Just…NO!”  We had a grand ole time observing the following HORRIDIOUS (that’s my word I “invented” on accident last Spring…feel free to spread it around like wildfire!) and way too common ugly “get her attention” pictures.  Yeah…they got our attention alright…so much so that we wouldn’t think of contacting you, much less responding should you be man enough to initiate, which the fella is supposed to! 😉

I’d honestly been pondering writing this for sometime as so many seem so quick to bash on the female “played out” poses….you know…”gangsta”, “fish face”, goofy face”, “I’ll lick your face”, “Big Sunglasses” or my fave “I’M DRIVING!” etc…. HEY, back up…I know I’m guilty…not saying I’m not, not saying I’ll stop…You can quote me on this “Anyone can smile and look decent in a picture, but it takes a special kind of pretty to rock a goofy face and pull it off!” WORD!  But no one addresses the fellas!  So, this is a guy’s guide to NOT looking like a total DOUCHE when he’s trying to (and failing) at impressing the ladies, not a girl’s prerogative to look AWESOME being cuh-ray-zay!  So back off! HA!

These are in no particular order:

1) We don’t care how hard you party or what kind of beer you drink.  Maybe one shot of you and the boys each holding a cup or a bottle…but really…5? Do you do ANYTHING else besides go out drinking with the boys? Rejected.

2) Can we PUH-LEASSSSEEEEE NEVER, EVER, EVVVVER have another “BATHROOM MIRROR” shot? Pretty Please?  Especially PUBLIC restrooms? I mean yeah, it’s a fact of life you HAVE to hit the head, but seriously…that’s not at all attractive to think “Hmmm…I wonder if he washed his hands?” ….before or after you snapped that image…meaning your phone is now defiled LOL!.

3) SHIRTLESS?  No! Nothing says “Vain Douche” better than trying to look like a character from Jersey Shore..especially if you def. do NOT look like a Jersey Shore character…I’m talking abs or flabs…not bad tans! K? K!  Just PUT A SHIRT ON!

4) Let’s please move quickly past this one… combine #2 and #3…Yeah….H*** NO!

5) Ok, so I have to give this one its own # though it’s really a Split of #2…. Bathroom Mirror shots…at home… 1) we’re secretly scoping out the scenery behind you to figure out a) does he live alone or share a bathroom with someone? b) who does he share a bathroom with that has a pink toothbrush, tampons, etc… and 2) “How clean is he?”  “I mean I see clothes everywhere and the toilet paper roll is empty?”  Toilet seat down or up? If it’s up….”YUCK…Doesn’t he know what toilet cleaner is for….or how to lift the lid?” “Is that a hair ball in the shower? MOLD?”   “Who decorated that bathroom? Is that a girl’s house?” Yeah…that’s what we’re looking at…not you…shirtless or otherwise!

6) Throwin’ a bird? Really? Nuff said!

7) Looking drunk or stoned out of your head? Blood shot eyes? We equate that with 1) someone we’d have to “babysit” every time we go out, or have to worry about getting arrested for possession and then subsequently calling a friend to take us home as you get hauled off to the pokey! VETO!

8) Scowling? looking like “The Brain” or otherwise “devious” = PSYCHO! UNIBOMBER! RUN!!! HAHAHA…No really!

9) GET.A.HAIR.CUT!  Is your hair covering your eyes? Negative!  The eyes are the windows to the soul….why are you hiding yours? Are you also hiding bodies in the basement? Ok, then… keep the hair out.of.the.face! P.S.  WASH YOUR HAIR! EWWWW! P.S.S. GROOM.THE.FACIAL.HAIR!

10) TATS! Not necessarily a bad thing… but if they’re disturbing, lewd, or otherwise grotesque…how about keeping them out of the shot and saving it for a date when you can explain what the flip you’re doing with a dead bird and it’s guts on your arm? (No really…I’ve seen it! BARF!)

11)  This next one is dear to my heart… the ever so ugly, not flattering on anyone, “Chin up” shot…. you know what I’m talking about!  That ever horrid image taken in the car (or anywhere really but the car seems most prominent) shot from somewhere around the bottom or top of the steering wheel…giving the whole world a glimpse at your double chin!  Granted you may not really have one…but that angle pretty much ALWAYS results in the appearance of a double chin and adding about 20 pounds to your face! DON’T.DO.IT!  Angle the camera somewhere ABOVE your EYE LEVEL… TRUST.ME!

12) Ahhhh the age old “Ex” shot or possible “ex” shot! No need to linger here. Let’s just say if there’s a female in your image how about you clarify her title. “Sis” “Sis-in-law” “Cousin” or “long time friend”…bottom line we’re sizing her up and how we compare to her.  Though if you’re douche enough to do it you could always be honest with “the ex”…this way any female (whether she’s hotter than your ex or not) will def. NOT contact you or respond to your messages… 

13) Looking like you’re licking “something” or anything really…. SERIOUSLY!?!?  Nothing says “I’m looking for a booty call” like…well…. looking like you’re looking for a booty call! But yet your profile says “Looking for a good-hearted woman with morals!” WTH? Ummm NO! NEXT!

14) DANCING! Normally this is a good thing… but if 1) you look like an IDIOT 2) you look like you’re in pain, 3) you look like you’re humping someone./thing… not going to win you any points.  Take it down…NOW! 🙂

15) Vehicles, Boats, 4-Wheelers, Bikes, etc… are all good bonuses…but they are NOT YOU!  So, unless you’re driving that boat or behind it on a knee board, or driving your convertible, standing in the bed of your truck, or are covered in mud (just make sure you smile and eyes are visible 😉 LOL!) on your 4-wheeler; then there’s no need for it to be there!!

16) I perhaps should make this one “Rule #1” but I’m not re-numbering them all now so, here it is…. A “head shot” should be required!  And for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a picture of your whole head/face and the upper portion of your torso.  Don’t have one?  Take your camera phone, turn the camera TOWARDS YOU, find nearest mirror (NOT NOT NOT A BATHROOM MIRROR), line up the shot in the mirror using the reflection and checking yourself for “your best side” *keep the camera lens above your eye level!!!*, now…this is important…. LOOK AT THE CAMERA/PHONE LENS and……can you guess what’s next???  SMILE!!!!! Repeat until you have a true YOU headshot you’re happy with, and don’t forget to delete the bad ones….so your friends won’t think you’re a vain idiot should they ever get your phone! HA! When you have mastered the mirror as your ASSISTANT shots for angles and pushing the shutter/button without actually seeing it, venture around outside with your pup, your friends, a waterfall, whatever, and shoot away! Hey, if you never master it, there’s a reason you have buddies… swap taking a couple of shots of each other…you’ll both get a GOOD laugh out of it, and more often than not those photos you’re laughing in between at how “funny” you both feel will actually make the photos look more “real” and more like YOU!

17) Finally, I leave you with a good rule for your photos you use to try to attract the opposite sex…. If it’s not a photo that you’d print out to give to your mom, granny, aunt, etc… then it’s pretty much going to hurt you and not help you in your search for a “decent”, “upstanding”, “intelligent”, “WOMAN”, “LADY”etc… 

Here’s what we want to see: what you like to do for fun, but not how trashed you look when you do, or how sweaty you are afterward.  We want to see you SMILE!  Yes…I know…it’s not very “hard” or “B.A” to smile but it’s says more than anything else…well…except for your eyes! So, a smiling picture where we can see your eyes…going to go a LONG way in upping your chances of hearing back from a TRUE LADY!  I mean hopefully SMILING is how you’ll be seen should a date ever occur..not all douche looking!  We want to see you playing with your pets…just not tonguing them! Ewwww!!! We want to see you WITH your vehicle…not just your collection of “Big Boy Toys” with you no where in sight! We want to see your piercings/tats/friends/fam, etc… just in moderation…and def. not if they’re gross, distasteful or need detailed explanations (the bird and guts tat!?!? Seriously….still FRRRRREAKS me out to think about!)

In no way is this list a complete compilation of Guy photo faux pas but it’s a start for the most common offenses.  If you nor your buds can help you come up with a non-douche image of yourself then that’s what PROFESSIONALS, like me ;-), are for! Get the right one and your photos won’t look like those old school photos you had to have made every year, but they’ll be you…in action…smiling, posing, being YOU…and not a douche! You’re welcome!

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