It shouldn’t be a surprise that my Christian Faith is the backbone of who I am, and for who, and FROM whom, this business rolls. Even knowing what I know though…it’s a rough, rough life.
It’s Saturday night. A PERFECT May Saturday night. The weather outside would be insanely amazing for camping, fishing, hiking…outdoorsy things that I LOVE. I sit in front of my computer editing, I’m way backlogged as usual, wishing, hoping, dreaming of something more.
So much so that I literally feel like I cannot proceed in editing until I get this out there. Someone else needs to read this as much as I need to write it. Writing…another gift I seem to have been given…or so I’m told. 😉
I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me to this passion, this profession, this INSANITY of a life and career. Trust me…if it was up to me I’d probably still be working some mind numbing, BORING, 9-5 job that was literally killing me from the inside out from all the stress…all for $35,000 a year after benefits and bonuses. Ahhhh that number sounds sooooo nice! Benefits sound nice! LOL! Alas, even if I knew then what I know now about all I’d have to give up to heed this calling…I’d do it…over and over and over again!!!
I also know without a shadow of a doubt that I won’t be single forever. The desire for my beloved is too strong, and somehow, no matter how I try to forget, squelch, or put it out of my mind, it GROWS! I’ve written on my personal blog before about physically grieving for someone whom I’ve never met, but that I can FEEL is missing. That’s why I’m writing this…
I’m alone. I do this alone. No employees. Barely able to pay myself, plus the expense of the studio now (have I posted about that? I have a studio now… see…I’m way behind!), so someone else is definitely out for a little while longer than I’d planned. No spouse of course. My friends have lives filled with their careers, spouses, and/or children, plus many of them are 2-3 hrs away, so I can’t rely on them, and I don’t feel I should have to…it is MY business afterall. My family…well love their hearts, are NOT digital folks…and this is a verrry digital business, so aside from an occasional friend or my mom tagging along on sessions to hold the reflector, it’s a one woman show around here.
So, I sit here in tears, and if you know me at.all. you know I’m SOOOO not a crier, absolutely overwhelmed, and lonely.
“Why this?”, “Why now?”, “What happened?”, “You’ve never seemed to let it bother you before?”, “You don’t seem to need anyone else?” All good questions. And I hope can be summed up with this:
I lie. I front. I mask it all. It’s no one else’s problem, but mine, and I LIVE to make others laugh, smile, and happy…so why inflict my struggles on them? Outside I’m a rock, swimming effortlessly along…but…Inside…I’m a mess just trying not to let my nose fall below the water line as the weights tug me ever more mercilessly under.
It finally got me tonight…that last feather fell on my nose and under I went. I was looking for an article I’d read recently on one of the MANY photography sites I follow, and of course, as are most of the amazing Wedding Photography Professionals out there, it’s from one of my favorite hubby+wifey teams. Ahhh a team! Of allll the hubby+wifey teams I follow there’s a common thread among them that I’ve secretly prayed for every time I read one of their bios or interviews… “She knows what I need before I ask for it.”, “He always gets the shots I can’t get, or forget.”, “I do the editing, and they take care of all the business stuff.” Their spouse picks up the slack, helps them carry the load, and compliments what skill they lack or aren’t the strongest at. Hard to hear when you’re trudging along on the solo train.
Don’t get me wrong, the few 2nd’s I’ve had shoot with me on the RARE occasion have been great, but it wasn’t a “Yin to my Yang” situation….well…once there was…but that probably won’t be able to happen again. I got a small taste of that ultimate dream team, and due to distance it’d be virtually impossible to replicate. I have issues with OCD and control over “my babies”/my images, and as great as most of my people have been you just can’t train someone to “be you” when they can’t be there every time.
AND THEN……the final straw…a fellow male photographer said the words…words I’d kind of thought, but didn’t want to know were right…. “Good Luck finding a man! We men want a woman to hangout with, to have fun with…not one who works 80+ hours a week, and needs a business partner.” …and it got a lot of “likes” from other male photographers!?!?! *Awesome* I thought. (sarcasm) Right after “Dang you only work 80 hours a week?” Niiiiice!
Add all of that to a couple of weeks ago in Church the Pastor seemed to drill on “Man was not meant to be alone”, and that God created woman to be their “help meet” or “compliment”. He spoke what I already knew, that women were made as the opposite to man. That man was created strong and hard, to work and to provide, while woman was created soft and emotional, to nurture and care. Compliments. Opposites. And yet 30 has come and gone. I’m physically stronger than most men, have been since I was literally a child, and I provide for myself completely. I am the man, AND the woman. I’ve had to be. I’ve learned to be self reliant out of need…out of desperation…and I HATE IT! I HATE it with EVERY.single.fibre.of.my.being!!!
I struggle now with knowing what God created man and woman for, and HOW He created us, BUT more so with the fact that He’s called me to this life, He’s made me physically strong (because let’s be honest here…I’ve never trained weights a day in my life and can do insane things for a female), and for that I am apparently unattractive to the male populace. He created me: to be an emotional rock, a leader, independent, with drive and desire, with spirit and fire, with heart and high expectations. He created me as a go-getter, a never give-up never surrender type with thick skin, and a thicker back bone. Quite the polar opposite to the meek, emotional, soft, dependent, females men seem programmed to desire.
I must rebuke, and refuse to listen to the voices growing louder in my head. I must focus on what I can do, what I can control, and what I know. Mostly though I must pray that this lonely existence ends soon. I want to swim freely again, I want to soar…not be held down by what I can’t do, or what I lack. Business and sales savvy, and finance management were clearly NOT gifts I was given, I’m trudging through them blindly on faith and desperation. Oh how I long for the day when I can let those go, and focus on what I AM good at! If you feel so lead a gal would appreciate the prayers!
To close, I’m sure I’m not alone. I believe that’s why I was impressed upon to write this. So, this is for my fellow single ladies out there trudging along in this insanely amazing existence of self preservation, entrepreneurship, and success. You’re not alone. We won’t be alone forever. Know that I’m here with, and for you. No matter what the world says God knows just how HE made us, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He DOES have OUR “help-meet”, OUR “compliment” still out there…I just have to think that God’s having to work on our beloved more so than others because we’ve already got so much going on it’s going to take a for.real.man of God to step up to our plate, dust it off, and knock us out of the park/off our feet!
Love and belief ya’ll…